LETTER 005

A Little More About Me

Dear you,

I realized something recently.

I’ve written about moving out, love, distance, finding your person, and all the complicated little thoughts that seem to live permanently inside my head…

But I haven’t really told you much about me.

Not the serious stuff.

Not the things that sound pretty when written down.

Just… me.

The things I like. The things I loved as a kid. The things that somehow followed me into adulthood. The completely random pieces of my personality that, when put together, make absolutely no sense.

So, here we go.

I love anime.

A lot.

If you ever wondered what kind of person I am, you could probably learn quite a bit from the fact that three of my favorite anime are My Hero Academia, Hunter x Hunter, and Naruto.

I refuse to rank them properly because choosing a favorite would feel like betraying the others, and apparently I am emotionally attached to fictional characters enough to consider this a real problem.

I also love books.

Fantasy, romance, dark romance, romantasy… give me a fictional world, morally questionable characters, impossible love stories, magic, heartbreak, enemies who probably shouldn’t be kissing but absolutely are, and I am happy.

Right now, I’m reading Six of Crows by Leigh Bardugo.

Which means that, at this exact moment, my brain is somewhere between reality and Ketterdam.

I have always loved stories.

Maybe that’s why books, anime, movies, and TV shows have always meant so much to me. I like disappearing into other worlds for a while.

And apparently, I’ve always had a slight obsession with the creepy ones too.

I have always loved horror movies.

My favorite is The Grudge, which probably says something about me that I don’t want to investigate too deeply.

But then there’s Chucky.

I LOVE Chucky.

Although, to me, Chucky is less terrifying horror and more chaotic little man with anger issues who somehow keeps surviving everything.

And honestly, I think my childhood had something to do with that.

My mom was nicknamed Barbie and, because she looked like them, people used to joke that she was basically “Chucky’s Bride.”

So naturally, little me thought this was completely normal.

Other kids were watching cartoons.

I was watching a murderous doll.

Balanced childhood.

And speaking of childhood…

I loved Casper the Friendly Ghost.

Casper was a HUGE part of my childhood, and so was The Addams Family. I think I’ve always been drawn to things that are a little strange, a little dark, a little different.

Maybe that’s why I still love them.

I also used to collect Barbie dolls.

Like, really collect them.

And I had all the Barbie movies on DVD.

Which is especially funny because my name was actually supposed to be Barbara.

Yes.

Barbara.

As in Barbie’s real name.

My mom was obsessed with Barbie, and she was a very young teenager when she had me, so apparently naming me after Barbie was considered a completely reasonable life decision.

Somehow, I ended up with the name I have now.

Probably for the best.

Although “Barbara” would have made this whole Barbie collection thing a little too on the nose.

When I was younger, I also used to draw all the time.

I was obsessed with drawing Tim Burton characters. I used to spend so much time drawing them, and I was actually pretty good.

Then I stopped.

And I haven’t really drawn anything in years.

Which means that if I picked up a pencil today, there is a very real possibility that I would discover that all of my artistic talent left my body sometime around 2014.

I don’t know.

Maybe it’s still in there.

Maybe one day I’ll try again.

Maybe I’ll draw something terrible and convince myself it’s abstract art.

We’ll see.

Music has always been another huge part of my life.

I was an unapologetic One Direction girl.

I loved Justin Bieber.

And my all-time favorite is Ariana Grande.

She was a huge inspiration and role model for me growing up, and honestly, she still is in a lot of ways.

But then there’s Michael Jackson.

That man had a completely different part of my heart.

I was obsessed with him.

When he died, I was nine years old.

And I remember crying so hard that I ended up under the bed, screaming like I had just lost an actual family member.

Looking back, nine-year-old me was experiencing grief at a level that was probably extremely dramatic.

But I loved him.

I still listen to Michael Jackson every single day.

And yes, my future children will be listening to him too.

They don’t get a choice.

It’s basically a family tradition at this point.

I also grew up listening to Britney Spears, Rihanna, Beyoncé, and the Pussycat Dolls.

My childhood best friend and I used to dance to their songs in the garage like we were headlining a sold-out world tour.

There was no audience.

There was no stage.

There were probably two children, terrible choreography, and absolutely no reason for the confidence we had.

But in our minds?

We were Beyoncé.

Obviously.

And then there are animals.

Animals have always been one of the biggest parts of my life.

I’ve had cats, dogs, rats, birds, fish…

Basically, if it breathed and could somehow become my responsibility, I probably wanted it.

Today, I have two dogs and two cats.

My oldest dog is 17 years old.

I got him when I was nine, and I named him Ryan after Ryan from High School Musical.

Because apparently fictional characters have been naming the living things in my life since childhood.

My other dog is Bonnie, named after Bonnie from The Vampire Diaries.

And then there are my cats.

Blair Uva, named after Blair Waldorf.

Obviously.

And Killua Bakugo.

His first name was chosen by my boyfriend, because he wanted to name him Killua from Hunter x Hunter.

I chose Bakugo from My Hero Academia.

So technically, our cat is named after two anime characters.

Which feels very appropriate for this household.

When I look at all of these things together, I realize that maybe none of them are as random as they seem.

The books.

The anime.

The horror movies.

The drawings.

The music.

The Barbies.

The fictional characters.

The animals.

The little girl dancing in a garage like she was performing at Madison Square Garden.

They’re all pieces of the same person.

Some of the things I loved as a child disappeared for a while.

Some stayed.

Some grew with me.

And some became even more ridiculous.

But I think that’s one of the nicest things about getting older.

You don’t necessarily have to outgrow the things that made you happy.

Sometimes you just carry them with you.

You can be an adult with bills, responsibilities, a job, groceries to buy and laundry you keep pretending isn’t there…

And still get ridiculously excited about a new book.

Still watch anime.

Still love horror movies.

Still listen to Michael Jackson every day.

Still name your animals after fictional characters.

Still remember the feeling of dancing around the garage with your best friend like nobody else existed.

Maybe growing up isn’t about leaving those things behind.

Maybe it’s about realizing they were never childish.

They were just yours.

And honestly?

I think I’ll keep them.

Even if my future children complain about Michael Jackson.

They’ll survive.

Probably.

Love,
C.